Last night's post came from a place. Not an emo place. A slightly lonely place, sure, but mostly a contemplative place, not an emo place (I feel I should stress that bit). You see, what I realised was not that I don't have people who think like me. As far as I'm aware I don't have people who think like me, but that was a secondary realisation. The thing I realised first was that my longest running friendship stretches back to about Year 9, with Ellis, and I haven't heard from him in months now. I don't have other guys from school, not even guys I can pretend I like to hang out with, or that I can say "I'm not going to hang out with you because I don't actually like you" to; they're gone; they've been gone for about three years now. No ties left, what so ever.

So the longest running friendships go to Amy and Kelly, from work, but who no longer work with me, with a running time of four years. It's a pretty good sign that we're still really good friends - my inability to keep in touch with people seems to have been over-run by their fondness for me, which makes them willing to actively keep me tied to them. The problem is, they're nothing like me; Amy is a gothic fairy - sweet and loving, she will rage like a dark storm if you wrong her or her friends; Kelly is gorgeous and so full of class and style and smarts that she could kill you with her mind or body, after verbally abusing you for being a sleazy prick of course. I love them like the worlds I dream, and they are my girls, but sometimes I feel like the token gay, the cute little toy you get with your happy meal. Besides, I couldn't have the sorts of conceptual discussions I dream of with them; there's a mental language barrier, a firewall I can't cross. And it's not a deficiency on any point of the triangle, it's just that we're different.

And after them, there's first year friends. Mainly Cyn, Hannah, and Miss Amy. Hannah outright mocks me for writing, in a friendly sort of way, so there's no chance of conceptual discussions there, despite being able to tell her things. And Cyn... I'm kind of too embarrassed to try to talk to her about these things, because while she's known me long enough to know that I'm 75% outside the box, I don't think she realises just how much 75% really is, and I'd rather not frighten her away. Also, she doesn't really have the right background for conceptual discussions - again, there's a mental language barrier.

I find it rather ironic that the role of Wall then fell to Miss Amy, who was probably my last First Year friend, and with whom initial encounters were the most severely awkward. Perhaps that's actually helped somewhat with showing the real me - we went through the awkward awkward phase where I was pretty much metaphorically naked, so everything else becomes that much easier? Still, I feel I sort of abused that a little over the past couple of months (sorry if I bored you to tears), and while I know you wouldn't tell me to bugger off, I worry that you want to sometimes.

Anyway, my point was that I don't have that long-term from-childhood (or even early teenhood) friend that a lot of my friends seem to have. And I'm jealous, because I could really use one. Not just to help me get past the 12,000 word mark for the Project, but to discuss concepts for things in general, to fall back on whenever I need to, for anything. Or even for nothing, just so I could say "I've known him/her my entire life; we grew up together". I don't really know why that's important to me, why I miss it without ever having had it, but in recent times it has become that way.

And yeah, I realise this post is coming from about three different view points, with three different desires rolled into one, and that it's in no way cohesive. I have no solution for that. Perhaps if you'd met me in the nineties it wouldn't matter so much. Then again, my brother has known me my entire life (since 1987!), and I still frustrate him just about any time I speak. Which is annoying because he knows Science and he has good Logic, where mine is... well, tainted, by my thought patterns.
ext_42328: Language is my playground (Default)

From: [identity profile] ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com


I find it rather ironic that the role of Wall then fell to Miss Amy, who was probably my last First Year friend, and with whom initial encounters were the most severely awkward. Perhaps that's actually helped somewhat with showing the real me - we went through the awkward awkward phase where I was pretty much metaphorically naked, so everything else becomes that much easier? Still, I feel I sort of abused that a little over the past couple of months (sorry if I bored you to tears), and while I know you wouldn't tell me to bugger off, I worry that you want to sometimes.

Nono, I promise!

I've been vacant to practically EVERYONE. Mental fog zone and all that. Also I kept seeing you after class, and class was draining and had Jenny Green in it. Result = vacant!amy. I do need to catch up on reading the Project again, I lost track during essay madness and then fandom swallowed me again.

Here, have an attractive Arthur icon.

Anyway, my point was that I don't have that long-term from-childhood (or even early teenhood) friend that a lot of my friends seem to have. And I'm jealous, because I could really use one.

Ahaha. Me too. Mine bloody well moved to Cairns, and never really thought like me in the way you mean ANYWAY. The Archangel turns out to be a git although I love him to pieces, Lukas moved to Canada, the Wife went burko and now I"m leaving Kylee.

My sympathies.

From: [identity profile] phrasemuffin.livejournal.com


You weren't vacant - you were totally responsive. Thanks to you I was able to iron out lots of initial kinks. Lots! Although... maybe I did pick up on drained vibes though, which sparked "am I boring her" thoughts, which then led to "I'm abusing her writer" thoughts. But even if that is the case, it isn't the whole case - I felt bad for being self-guilted into introducing Hannah into Our Time, and then I felt like I monopolised what was left of Our Time by using you as a Wall to iron out MY literary flailings, without really feeling like I was contributing much to anything of yours.

*oggles attractive Arthur*

But you still have contact with them, don't you? I don't have anyone from before 2004 and... I dunno, it just feels like I'm missing 16 years of social life. No one knows who I was, how I worked, what made me tick. There's no one to bring out at my 21st and expose the tales of my younger days. It's almost like I didn't exist before 2004. I was 17 before I had relationships with any sort of endurance in them, and it just makes me sad. It's even worse knowing that I could have gone to school with Matt and Nick with whom I'm friends now, because even if I hadn't really been close with them then, at least they'd remember some fragment of School-age Dave.

"Sympathies" is exactly the right word here, because I feel like some part of me is dead and forgotten, lost to forever. Maybe it's a good thing that no one around me now knows who I was at school or before, but that doesn't make it any less sad to me.

From: [identity profile] daiskmeliadorn.livejournal.com


Anyway, my point was that I don't have that long-term from-childhood (or even early teenhood) friend that a lot of my friends seem to have.

i don't exactly either. i've talked about something similar with a few people lately - i guess wanting some kind of friendship that other people seem to have. with another person we were talking about having a Group - you know, where there's a gang of you, and you Do Everything Together, or at least they can be relied on to all show up to something, etc.

my friends are pretty scattered in that mostly they don't know each other. people i've known the longest are the people i'm least likely to still have much in common with, although i do still keep in touch with some of them. actually in the past couple of years my friendship with people from primary/high school has gotten a bit better than it was in the first few years post-high school (in that time i felt like i changed a lot and... they didn't seem to, and they seemed to think i was crazy)

if i have a point, it's that while i know what you mean about being jealous of other friendships, and they can seem better than the ones you've got for whatever reason, it seems to me that there are lots of different types and... well, appreciating what you've got and thinking about why those people *are* your friends is a beneficial thing to do :)

thus endeth the moralising.

From: [identity profile] phrasemuffin.livejournal.com


Oh, don't get me wrong; I do appreciate what I have. I know that I wouldn't be who I am today without certain people - there are things that I wouldn't have done, wouldn't have experienced, and other friends I wouldn't have made; I would be far less complete.

It's more that I realised that I don't have people from certain times in my life. People I can reminisce with about The Good Ol' Days and what have you. The type of friend I mentioned, the one who's been there from early childhood with whom there are treasured memories and unspoken languages and whatever else, that's just the ideal, the thing I feel I'm missing prettied-up and personified in Soap Drama conditions.

That, and I feel that I'm still only just getting to know some of my friends. Apart from work people and a few others, I feel I'm still in the Small Talk stage, or only just moving on from it. Which makes things difficult because I'm wired more for DnMs than small talk :P I'd like to be able to fall back on an old, comfortable friendship.
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