phrasemuffin: Teeny Tiny Bee Borg say "Rezzizztanzz izz futile!" (Teeny Tiny Bee Borg)
( May. 27th, 2009 03:08 pm)
I somehow forgot I had a dreamwidth, but I'm going to try and use it instead of LJ more often. If I can figure out how to get my LJ Friends List to display on my DW Reading Page, that is. Is that possible? If so, how do I do it? It'll seriously help with keeping track of both my LJ accounts (I hate signing in, so I prefer to leave them on Remember Me, but I can only do that for one of them; if I use DW to watch my phrasemuffin FList, I can use LJ to watch the spiderspun one :D).

In other news, Pat and Paul have an "expiry date" - their lease runs out in four months, so they'll be taking a break/breaking up then. Until then, though... it seems like things are just pretty weird between them. At least on Pat's end - from what I've heard, Paul seems pretty blase about it, and Pat isn't exactly the happiest of chaps at the moment. I pretty much just want to give him a week-long hug and keep telling him that everything will be ok. After all, it's not like I can say anything else: if I say that it's all for the best and that they really aren't suited for one another, I'm encouraging that they break up, which can be construed as angling to get him all to myself; if I say that he should stick it out with Paul and see how things go, it can be construed as rejecting Pat from before he's even had a chance to... whatever. So we stick with hugs. I like hugs; I don't much like minefields. And I think Pat is aware of the position it puts me in because he's been trying to not bring it up in conversations. He can't help that it's always on his mind, along with tonnes of other crap, but he's trying to keep me out of it and I appreciate that.

I think I've come to a decision about Pat: I can trust him. I think what Rob told me about Pat just unnerved me, but I've come to realise that everything Rob told me, I already knew. He didn't actually tell me about anyone new, I just didn't realise they were the same person; the straight guy that Pat "seduced" is the same guy that he had an affair with for three months that I already knew about. I'm still not sure of everything, but I think I can trust that Pat is not the stealthy, cunning corruptor I thought he might be, laying traps over time and waiting for me to fall.

I'm still not sure if I want a relationship with Pat though. I know I have feelings for him, but I'm not sure of their extent. I did know their extent last year when I had a crush on him, but then I found out about Paul. That didn't stop Kenny from wanting the two of us to get it on, but it did stop me. Now, while there may not be a Paul for much longer, those feelings have been buried for so long that I'm not sure they even still exist. I love Pat, but it's possible I've pulled a Reverse David on myself.

The more comfortable I get with Pat, the more I think I'll flirt with him. Not consciously, just... out of habit; reflexively. It's what I do, and it's what he and I have always done. This might be a bad thing on more than one level, but... I already miss flirting with Pat.

I need to make decisions.


phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)

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