phrasemuffin: Teeny Tiny Bee Borg say "Rezzizztanzz izz futile!" (Teeny Tiny Bee Borg)
( May. 27th, 2009 03:08 pm)
I somehow forgot I had a dreamwidth, but I'm going to try and use it instead of LJ more often. If I can figure out how to get my LJ Friends List to display on my DW Reading Page, that is. Is that possible? If so, how do I do it? It'll seriously help with keeping track of both my LJ accounts (I hate signing in, so I prefer to leave them on Remember Me, but I can only do that for one of them; if I use DW to watch my phrasemuffin FList, I can use LJ to watch the spiderspun one :D).

In other news, Pat and Paul have an "expiry date" - their lease runs out in four months, so they'll be taking a break/breaking up then. Until then, though... it seems like things are just pretty weird between them. At least on Pat's end - from what I've heard, Paul seems pretty blase about it, and Pat isn't exactly the happiest of chaps at the moment. I pretty much just want to give him a week-long hug and keep telling him that everything will be ok. After all, it's not like I can say anything else: if I say that it's all for the best and that they really aren't suited for one another, I'm encouraging that they break up, which can be construed as angling to get him all to myself; if I say that he should stick it out with Paul and see how things go, it can be construed as rejecting Pat from before he's even had a chance to... whatever. So we stick with hugs. I like hugs; I don't much like minefields. And I think Pat is aware of the position it puts me in because he's been trying to not bring it up in conversations. He can't help that it's always on his mind, along with tonnes of other crap, but he's trying to keep me out of it and I appreciate that.

I think I've come to a decision about Pat: I can trust him. I think what Rob told me about Pat just unnerved me, but I've come to realise that everything Rob told me, I already knew. He didn't actually tell me about anyone new, I just didn't realise they were the same person; the straight guy that Pat "seduced" is the same guy that he had an affair with for three months that I already knew about. I'm still not sure of everything, but I think I can trust that Pat is not the stealthy, cunning corruptor I thought he might be, laying traps over time and waiting for me to fall.

I'm still not sure if I want a relationship with Pat though. I know I have feelings for him, but I'm not sure of their extent. I did know their extent last year when I had a crush on him, but then I found out about Paul. That didn't stop Kenny from wanting the two of us to get it on, but it did stop me. Now, while there may not be a Paul for much longer, those feelings have been buried for so long that I'm not sure they even still exist. I love Pat, but it's possible I've pulled a Reverse David on myself.

The more comfortable I get with Pat, the more I think I'll flirt with him. Not consciously, just... out of habit; reflexively. It's what I do, and it's what he and I have always done. This might be a bad thing on more than one level, but... I already miss flirting with Pat.

I need to make decisions.
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (abominations)
( Oct. 10th, 2008 01:55 am)
... in which questions. (i.e. no)

The squirrels have left my stomach! Yay! I was worried I was still sick this morning when I first woke up; turned out I was just hungry. Score!

Also, the essay I handed in on Tuesday has already been marked. This means I now have Legitimate Reasons for going to the Seymour Centre around 12pm next Tuesday to stalk stalk randomly bump into Oscar again.

Which somehow led my brain to thoughts of Erin's 21st and the whole homophobia thing that happened. Now, I wasn't actually there when That Which Was Said was said, so I don't know how it really went down, but I swear I cannot help but think that Kelly might have been wrong. If I remember correctly, That Which Was Said was something like:
"Manager's friend": Hey, is you're friend gay?
Kelly: Why do you want to know?
"MF": 'Cause my mate behind the bar wants his number.
K, detecting homophobic joking being made at my/Bartender's expense: *glares* If you're mate behind the bar actually wanted my friend's number he'd have the balls to ask himself.
(may or may not have actually been said to his face...)

Now, as I was being told what had gone down, I was admittedly excited - Bartender was cute to boot - and obviously flattered. But Kelly tells me "No, David, he was being a prick, making fun of you because you're gay" which then proceeded to slowly rot my insides and ruin my night (not because of the rotting - I got over that; that it kept coming up in conversation, apologies and war stories is what really dragged me down). I love Kelly, and I know she's extremely intelligent, but... I honestly can't see the jump from "Bartender wants his number" to "snide comments about his sexual preferences". Sure, Bartender was cute enough to have pulled just about any guy he wanted, but that doesn't always make people as self-confident as you'd expect (and I bet you were expecting a "so why would he pick me" :P). And, yeah, I didn't see the guy's face as he said it, or hear the way he said it, so there may have been geographically important clues that I'm just missing, but that doesn't explain why Bartender couldn't look me in the eyes all night after that when he'd been fine beforehand; doesn't that sort of suggest that he was at least aware of what went down? And how would he have known if he hadn't been talking to the guy? Also, Kelly was rather unimpressed with the guy to begin with - he'd been trying to pick her up, we think, but in doing so was talking about his girlfriend... odd.

I dunno, it just never really sat 100% with me. Which is annoying, because it's me and it means that I'll be thinking about it for years to come. It's possible that it happened just as Kelly said, but there's been a niggling doubt ever since she told me "No, David...".
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (abominations)
( Sep. 7th, 2008 11:26 am)
... in which there shall be no sexual innuendo. :(

I am weak. Clearly, there is no other explanation for it. Not weak of body, mind; weak of will. All I have to do is click a mouse button three times on the same facebook page and all will be over. Problem is that the buttons are "Add as Friend" buttons. That the friends-to-be are relatives. That they hail from the maternal bloodline. And that I've heard some of them discussing, with poison on their tongues, the vileness of faggots.

I am weak. I have already decided not to hide it once they're added, but... it's the adding that I'm having trouble with, so that minor bravery is somewhat pointless at the moment. So, clearly, there is no other explanation for it.

On the semi-plus side, though, my aunt told me last night about a friend who has a friend who has a brother. He's 21, an ambo, and hasn't had a "friend" before. Only thing is that I'm, you know, shit scared about meeting people and having to actually talk. I thought I was over that... seems not. Especially my fear of phones - I never know what to say, which is why I never randomly call people just to chat. If I want to just chat, I'll type it. There's just this sense of obligation that surrounds phone-based conversations. And that sense of obligation is spreading to the potential ambo - because my aunt has gone and made this connection on my behalf, I feel like I have to at least talk to him out of obligation to her, which means I could feel obligated to do anything else (up to and including a date - no obligation sex! that's just wrong). And that's sort of how the whole Jason thing ended up not quite ending, strictly speaking; obligation to Joe. Which, yes, is fucked up, but there you go.

On the plusser side, Kelly has a friend of a friend she wants to introduce me to who is in a similar situation to the ambo - a 22 year old electrician (or other tradey type, which equals looks and money according to Kelly, which are bonuses not requirements) from Wollongong who isn't quite out of the closet yet, even to himself she thinks. I think she said his name was Matt (there are far too many Matts, but I do like the name, and being a David I don't think I can really talk about over-used names). Kelly wants to have something at her place to celebrate the end of renovations/uni/which ever it is at the time, to which we'd both be invited amongst other people. I do already feel a little intimidated by the looks and money he supposedly sports but that's another matter, and the fact that he's not actually identifying is not a good sign, but this plan seems like far more laid-back with far less obligation than "I'll get you his number and you can have a chat" which freaks the fuck out of me and feels like an arranged date; blind, at the moment, I might add. I mean, come on, I may once again be terrified by phones, but that doesn't mean I don't have a little pride, a little dignity to maintain.
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)
( Jun. 11th, 2007 12:27 am)
I just came out to the 'rents.

I also told them I'm not really Christian.


But seriously, I told them (both things) and they're cool with it. I'm glad they cancelled lunch with the grandfather and his wife tomorrow, though, 'cause if anyone's gonna have problems with me, it's that side of the family. Oh well, haven't ever really liked them all that much anyway. Except Aunty Julie. She's awesome. So much love.

Anyway, they know. And I'm quite happy. And I told them about Peter, and about Oxford Street, and I was told never to ever go in a Gay Mardi Gras Paradey thing (which I wouldn't anyway), and and and yes. My dad looked proud, my mother was flaberghastered, and once again I was called an obscene flirt. Ok, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but it was said to some degree, nonetheless.

Um... anything else?


phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)


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