I'll start from the ones that are most like "I'm creeped out because he was sober when he fell for me and made out with me" and move to the ones more like "ow".

- last night's dream was about 85% Project: Ether Engine, with plot after plot after plot, and it was glorious and it spells my impending doom. (The other 15% was dreaming about drinking with work people (without ever actually getting my drink), trying to fix one of their pokemon games, and once again being the only one at work to actually BE working.)
- I just spent only about four lines writing about my dreams.
- it's 8:30, and I am fully awake; I've already done the "that dream was fun, let's go back to it" routine that I usually do several times a morning.
- last night, I suddenly realised that I have no idea who I am - other people have specialties and are GOOD at them, and defining characteristics, and are near-complete people; I can't think of anything like that that actually applies to me. Not in a good way, anyway.
- I woke up with a headache. Actually, more of a base-of-skull ache. And I was sweaty. And there were no nightmares to explain it. So I thought I was sick.
- Now, my throat hurts. And I'm kinda tingly all over, where by "tingly all over", I actually mean "the aches have spread everywhere". And all I want to do is go back to bed but OH MY GOD I CAN'T because it's 8:30, I am fully awake, and this is clearly an omen of my impending doom.
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)
( Aug. 23rd, 2008 12:26 am)
I need one of those days. You know those days where that random person smiles at you, genuinely, and you think 'wow, maybe today isn't totally shit'. I've had only one of those days. Ever. Then again, maybe it was just because he was cute. I don't know anymore; I'm so confused.

But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.

I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.


Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.

Eep, I say.
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (abominations)
( Apr. 10th, 2008 09:55 pm)
... in which David is... oh fuck it.

I'm in a shitty mood, and I don't know why.

Now then, my friend, now to your purpose. Patience; enjoy it - revenge can't be taken haste.

I'm also in a Sweeney Todd soundtrack sort of mood. Mainly because of A Little Priest and Epiphany.

Actually, I do know why. It's because of this whole fucking Jason thing. I feel guilty. Because I unintentionally led him on. And because I'll have to cut him loose eventually. And because he messaged me over MSN while I was cleeaaarrrly both Away AAANNNDDD Busy (it says I'm composing and that I was having dinner... can he not read?). AAANNNDDD smses me to say the exact same thing. Seriously, let go already.

The only thing is... how do I tell him I can't stand (the way I perceive) him now without crushing him? I mean, I know I'm not that awesome a catch, but Jason is... well, to be honest, he at least seems to be a feather weight in the confidence department. If I tell him that I don't want anything more to do with him (because I don't really want another friend like him), I'm pretty sure he'll just retreat even further into his shell. At least Stalker Matt made me angry. Jason's just... ugh, I'm such a bitch.

I'll have Joe to contend with again, too. If he corners me when I'm in a state of less-than-pure sobriety again, I honestly hope I have the will to leave. Of course I'd apologise to everyone else the next day.

Also I feel guilty because I've been super aware of every other male specimen since, like, Tuesday. Seriously, what was it this week at Uni? Hot Man Week? Male Pride Week? Let's Group All The Attractive Young Males Together Dress Them In Skinny Legs And Parade Them In Front Of David Week? On top of that, I'm pretty sure one of the guys at SUMS was flirting with me, though... it is SUMS. (Seriously, I had no idea that choirs were this smutty. Thank god it wasn't this way at school, though... at least, in my year it wasn't).

Also, I'm angry I've done this both to myself and Jason. This isn't how it's supposed to go down. I should know - it's common knowledge that Basses go down, and as I am a Bass, I therefore have practical knowledge in the hows of goings down. So there. But it sucks because I'm jealous of this other guy who had it all happen the Right Way. And it was adorable, and it's that that I want, not sleazy come-ons while drunk, failed dates and obligation to friends and their boyfriends.

This isn't how romance works.
... in which David eats his words.

So much for not Liking Jason at all. We have a second date Saturday night. I think. Details have not been finalised.

I half want to call in sick and never talk to him again, though. He added me to MSN the other day, and we started talking, and all of a sudden he's being all cutesy and *hugs*ing me... it was really weird. I mean, sure, if I'd said something I was obviously bummed over, you're totally free to *hugs* me. BUT he did it completely out of the blue, after a lull in the conversation. Bit of a turn off, if you ask me. He just suddenly became this clingy, cutesy OLD MAN in my mind.

Needless to say, I didn't think it was appropriate for our first online conversation.

Then again, I could just be sabotaging myself by reading too deeply into it? I don't know. Since then, I've just been thinking "What if we turn out like Kelly and Lynn, and can't ever see each other again when out?", and I don't really like thinking that. Thankfully he's a friend of a friend, so it wouldn't be as bad, but there's still that possibility.

Stupid Joe and his meddling. It's all his fault.

... in which I finally getting around to posting about last Wednesday.

It's taken a while, I know - a whole week in fact. If I hadn't been so off this weekend, I would have posted then, but I was just... I couldn't think straight (and so forgot it was my cousin's birthday), my meds went CRAZY! and I could not could not could NOT sleep for the life of me. Hence the lack of straight thinking.

So, to last Wednesday's date.

First, you may ask why it was a Wednesday night. It's because he cancelled the Sunday before, pretty much due to a hangover, and couldn't do the following Friday/weekend because he'd be down in Melbourne. Which meant we were meeting after work.

This, too, had it's pitfalls. Not only would he be tired once he arrived, but the fact that he was coming from work and was intending to drive to Glebe meant that he would be late (he had to leave the city, go to North Sydney to pick up his car, then come back to Glebe). By roughly half an hour. Not to mention the extra lateness from traffic.

So that pretty much fucked up plans for dinner. But I had foreseen such troubles and arrived early to prepare. I bought tickets to the movie before he got there and then bummed around waiting for him. The lateness, though, meant I was waiting much longer than anticipated. And in the cold. But it was not cool.

Once he finally arrived, we really only had time to get dinner in the foodcourt. So we had Japanese - his one and only suggestion of the entire ordeal, and... well, keep reading. The place we went to, while it is in the foodcourt, isn't really part of the foodcourt. It's more a restaurant opening onto the court.

I met him up there, looking as absolutely hot as I was (and you know I am not the vain type, so I must be telling the truth), and we got a table for two. I found I had lost all ability with chopsticks, and didn't really fancy going hungry, so I asked for a knife and fork. I felt completely and utterly foolish and guilty for doing it, but I had to. Thankfully, though, it gave me one more topic for when the conversation lulled. And boy, did it lull. It was awkward and quiet and... gah! I kept trying to spark a proper conversation (which is hard for me, as I'm not the type to carry a conversation by myself) but it didn't really work.

The one thing I remember from the limited talking, apart from the things about him wishing his school had more Gay Intrigue, was that he doesn't like scary movies. And we were seeing Cloverfield. Good work agreeing to that one, Jason.

After dinner, we went to the theatre and sat down. All of a sudden, Jason starts feeling sick, so he leaves. I didn't realise he was feeling sick though - all I heard him say was that he was going to the bathroom. He comes back, the movie starts, and it's... well, it's Cloverfield, and if you haven't seen it I'm not going to spoil anything for you. Suffice it to say that it's loud, there's a monster, and a lot of Manhatten is being destroyed. So, when he tells me he's going back to the bathroom, I start to get worried - just how much does he not like scary movies? I kept wondering. When he returned, he quickly assumed the feotal position, and I could feel him shaking. So, of course, I ask if he wants to leave, but he refuses. He ends up closing his eyes and drifting off for a bit.

Once the movie was over, I apologised for choosing the movie. He told me that it wasn't the movie that was making him feel sick, that it was dinner, so I shouldn't feel too bad about it. I still felt sorta guilty, but not as much as I had before.

I walked Jason to his car, expecting to say goodnight to him then and there. However, he had other ideas; he planned to drive me home. Normally, this would have been sweet, but after a night of slightly awkward silences, I feared the worst. So, of course, worst I got; apart from maybe three things, nothing was said.



He shook. My hand.

I swear, if he hadn't messaged me today saying he wanted to go shopping with me after work, I would have written him off as a Friends Only. Or, to be more accurate, I wouldn't have considered taking him off that list. Too bad I don't Like him, though.

But that's enough about that. Went out last Friday with work people and had a good night. Lucile, the French girl, is a lot of fun, and we talked a fair bit. Had a pretty early night, but didn't sleep. Like, seriously. I was awake until 6am Saturday morning. I woke up at 3pm, and after that, I was just out of it. I could not think at all. Sunday was better, but sleep was still pretty bad. (While on the topic of sleep, my dreams lately have been pretty choppy, or have been too personal to write down here, or both.)

The bit before about my meds going CRAZY! was um... well, the specialist failed to mention the drug's ability to inhibit the body's ability to heal. So when I split the corners of my lips... it wasn't pretty.

Anyway, I saw Sweeney Todd The Demon Barber Of Fleet Street with Cyn today and bought the soundtrack *points at Subject and Music:*. Johnny Depp can sing. So can Helena Bonham Carter. And I swear the kid looks like Bob Geldoff. It is so in the style of an old musical, too, especially the way it opens with a "this is what happened before the story" story, and with the way it ends. And while I loved the music, I kept hearing strains of other melodies throughout the whole movie. It was like Tim Burton just rewrote songs he knew and modified the melodies slightly... but I still loved the music. It was just a recurring distraction, is all.

The only other thing of note this day is that I bought "Homer's" The Odyssey. I figured that if I'm going to keep saying how much I love mythology, I should probably start reading more of "Homer's" works, and possibly own more than just one academically reputable mythology resource.
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (abominations)
( Jan. 23rd, 2008 04:11 pm)
... in which I surprisingly don't freak out.

Tonight is the night. The night I see Jason. As the hours loom closer, I am losing my nerves nervousness, which is surprising because I generally freak out when faced with social activities with people for the first time (not that this is, technically speaking, a "social activity"). But I feel oddly calm about it.

First date with the guy. And my first date with a guy. I should be tearing my hair out.

The other odd thing is that I organised everything. What the fuck? Who am I? Who is this, this organising person? This organising person who isn't freaking out! This organising person who isn't freaking out but who is having trouble spelling "organising" right on the first go!!

Clearly I am sick.

I have my outfit planned, though not quite ready, and all I have to do between now and my departure time is shower etc and dress. And I am going to be early. Oh, and I haven't eaten since about 1pm, so I'm getting quite hungry. But I cannot eat until dinner, otherwise I will spoil my appetite and appear anorexic. More so than usual. Which would be bad.

As an aside (sort of), as I was leaving work I said goodbye to Georgina (used to work with me but is now just across the way) and told her I was going out tonight. I mentioned that it was with a someone, and she asked if it was my girlfriend. "Uh... no, boyfriend. Well, not really - first date." I'm just now realising she may have thought I was joking, but I'll see her on Friday and gossip with her then.

And now I should be off. Clothes to iron, work to wash away...

... wish me luck?
phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (muppo)
( Jan. 18th, 2008 01:00 pm)
... in which my journal becomes a flashback comic strip.

So, I said in my last post that this one, the next one, would be about last Friday. In addition to that, it'll be about Sturday and Sunday as well. Probably won't have anything from this week, though, as nothing much fun or exciting has happened... except one thing. Tee hee hee.

Last Friday night was dinner with Cyn and Dylan in Newtown. Cyn told Dylan that I wanted to catch up, so catch up we did. Dinner was awkward and quiet, and boring for Dylan as it was mainly just Cyn and I talking about people we know and, apparently, secrets. "You guys talk about more secret things than anyone else I know!" were Dylan's approximate words. Then again, he couldn't hear either of us for some reason, so it may have just sounded like secrets. Who knows. Dylan and I both got a box of Cyn-made cupcakes, though, so that was nice.

Matt had invited us all to Stonewall for that night, but then lost his voice, so pulled out. In light of this, we all decided to go to Purple Sneakers in it's new temporary home at Hermann's. It was pretty shit, to be honest, but I think that's just because it was too early to be full, and therefore fun. I messaged Cyn at one point, while she was standing right next to me I might add, with "i miss theodora". She replied "me too". (Theodora is in China for a while visiting her boyfriend who teaches English... I think.) Because of Purple's lack of life, we headed on down to Stonewall.

Shane, Joe and a bunch of their other friends were there already - something we didn't know. We met up with them randomly on the second floor in the alcove and were introduced to their people, and pretty much just joined their group. Sara is awesome, and was born on the 31st of December - MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY!!! - so we were half celebrating her birthday (god, we sound like crashers) and half just getting smashed. Except for those of us who weren't drinking that much, or at all, in the case of Jason, Joe's friend.

To cut a long night's story short, Jason and I hooked up. There was much flirting over the box (of cupcakes), whose contents were a secret to all but three - Cyn, Dylan and I - on Dylan's orders (Shane and Joe and Jason were all trying to find out, but I held my ground), and Jason ended up driving me home. Again, I'd like to point out his sobriety, and my near-sobriety. We exchanged numbers, and he messaged me goodnight when he got home. It was so cute!

On to Saturday (because you've had enough Jason for the moment) and we find me on my way to Newtown to meet up with [livejournal.com profile] goblinpaladin to see I Am Legend. My feet are KILLING ME because I've been walking everywhere the past few days, what with my parents away and the station being just close enough to warrant walking over public transport, and I have HUGE blisters on my heels. But that doesn't stop me walking from Newtown Station down to Glebe to see the stoned waitress, lust after an raspberry organic ice tea that isn't in stock, order a non-existant drink and then have a special one created for me due to the confusion. Nor did it stop me getting to Broadway, having lunch with the good goblin, and seeing the movie, which was good up until the ending. Quite poorly written, I think, that ending was. It was a good day though. Really have to meet up with the goblin more often (if he can stomach me :P).

On to Sunday and we find me escaping Family Obligation under fale pretences. It was my uncle's birthday, but that side of the family is the racist homophobic side (and even before I knew that I didn't like them very much), so I don't really like going to family events with them. So, instead, I told the 'rents I had plans with Cyn, quickly organised some plans with Cyn, and got out of it. Then, sadly, serious Family Things of Cyn's own popped up, so she couldn't come. So, instead of meeting up with her to buy beach clothes for a 21st she's going to, I went to uni (because I secretly miss it) and read (was going to go Fisher but went Quad instead) and had SUSHI, MY LOVE. That's when I finished Superfolks.

Now, back to Jason. Between the message goodnight at 4am Saturday morning and my next message to him, I was freaking out. For multiple reason, I might add. The first is that he denied to Joe and Shane that we'd hooked up, though he was happy to hold my hand and put his arm around me, or have mine around him, pretty much the entire night. The second being that he's 24, I think - both my brother's age and the age of my sister's boyfriend... something just feels wrong there, especially seeing as he didn't want to tell me how old he is so I had to work it out myself!!!! The third is that he's 24, has completed uni and has a full-time job - just far too calm, collected and with it, I guess, compared to my 20, in uni and having of the shitty casual job. And the fourth is that he was sober that night... I don't know why that freaks me out, it just does... It's probably looking like I'm going out of my way to look for excuses right now, but that's just how irrational minds work when confronted by courtship rituals. Or at least, mine does.

So how long was it between his message and mine? The answer is six days. Because my freakouts aren't just momentary things; mine have stamina, baby! Still, I did actually message him, and ask him out, and things are looking good at the moment. The plan is for us to do something Sunday, we just haven't confirmed what exactly. It's seriously like talking to myself - he seems to have a bit of a shell around him, which is how I imagine myself to come across most of the time, but his reservedness seems to have the opposite effect on me; I seem to be coming further out of mine to meet him.

I have to say , though, that I'm proud I did actually ask him out. It may have taken a fair bit, but it did happen. And no matter how it goes down, it will at least result in experience and learning, and I'm happy with that.


phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)


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