ext_50541 ([identity profile] phrasemuffin.livejournal.com) wrote in [personal profile] phrasemuffin 2008-12-08 10:15 am (UTC)

You weren't vacant - you were totally responsive. Thanks to you I was able to iron out lots of initial kinks. Lots! Although... maybe I did pick up on drained vibes though, which sparked "am I boring her" thoughts, which then led to "I'm abusing her writer" thoughts. But even if that is the case, it isn't the whole case - I felt bad for being self-guilted into introducing Hannah into Our Time, and then I felt like I monopolised what was left of Our Time by using you as a Wall to iron out MY literary flailings, without really feeling like I was contributing much to anything of yours.

*oggles attractive Arthur*

But you still have contact with them, don't you? I don't have anyone from before 2004 and... I dunno, it just feels like I'm missing 16 years of social life. No one knows who I was, how I worked, what made me tick. There's no one to bring out at my 21st and expose the tales of my younger days. It's almost like I didn't exist before 2004. I was 17 before I had relationships with any sort of endurance in them, and it just makes me sad. It's even worse knowing that I could have gone to school with Matt and Nick with whom I'm friends now, because even if I hadn't really been close with them then, at least they'd remember some fragment of School-age Dave.

"Sympathies" is exactly the right word here, because I feel like some part of me is dead and forgotten, lost to forever. Maybe it's a good thing that no one around me now knows who I was at school or before, but that doesn't make it any less sad to me.

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