I need...

[phrasemuffin]

I need one of those days. You know those days where that random person smiles at you, genuinely, and you think 'wow, maybe today isn't totally shit'. I've had only one of those days. Ever. Then again, maybe it was just because he was cute. I don't know anymore; I'm so confused.

But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.

I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.

___

Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.

Eep, I say.

Comments

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Just starting a new thread so that it's not going off screen... I'll reply to this as if it were the original, and then again to the comment I'm replying to now so you know when I'm done.

ineptshieldmaid on August 24th, 2008 05:27 pm (local)
the bootleg lyric listings agree with you. and that makes MUCH more sense... hum.

I'm working on a Jason character study piece at the moment... I started wondering why Jason did the turnabout and decided to audition, and then wondering why he was refusing to audition in the first place.

Possible reasons he won't audition:

1. He doesn't want to fail.
2. He wants to stay of Nadia's turf. Hard enough being the bright kid with an average sibling, must be ten times harder if said sibling is your twin.
3. Both of the above.
4. He thinks it's not properly manly.
5. All of the above.

Possible reasons he DOES:

1. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo: pure competitiveness.
2. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo and that Peter is aiming for Mercutio. Competitive plus jealousy.
3. Ivy coos at him. (But no evidence of this.)
4. He doesn't want Peter to think he's a coward.
5. I have this idea that Peter must mean more to Jason than just teh sex, and I'm thinking it could be something about the way Peter isn't constantly tied to the way other people see him. Peter's not a brilliant actor, right? Otherwise he'd have been in competition for Romeo. Also I can't see Peter *wanting* centre stage all the time. But he likes acting, so he goes at it and makes himself the best supporting character he can be. I like the idea of Jason looking at Peter and thinking "hey, maybe I can do something and not be the super star for once"... and then his natural competitive streak takes over and he has to strike out for the star role.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

oh, and one i forgot from the second list because it's not really very nice:

6. He doesn't like Peter being good at something he isn't. Probably doesn't consciously realise this, though. Hope not.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

It's up. Also, that's just a no. 6 is just not possible.

oh, and I meant to add:
1 - "He doesn't want to fail" - he can't fail. He wouldn't try out unless he knew he could get it, but he knows he can do anything. He has to be able to do anything to survive in his father's eyes.

2 - fair enough. It is implied that Nadia is actually a bit of an actress, so it's understandable that Jason would let her keep her stage, especially given that Jason loves Nadia so much.

3 - if Ivy had cooed at him, we would have seen it. Therefore it didn't happen.

4 - Peter would already think him a coward then; he asked at least the year before, and possibly years before that too.

5 - Yeah, I think we were hard on Jason before (or was that just me? :P). But as for trying to emulate Peter's lack of ties and need for superstardom... I dunno. Wouldn't that mean he could handle Peter telling his own mother, even if not his?

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Much as I adore Jason and don't want to think ill of him, I think number 6 *is* possible... Not nice, but possible.

1- well, yeah. He doesn't do anything he's not good at. He announces "I neither dance nor sing", so obviously he thinks he isn't an actor. Or doesn't want to think of himself as one. Or whatever. I'm get a huge vibe of 'DON'T TRY NEW THING BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL BE GOOD AT IT.' But for whatever reason he decides he might be good at it, or he doesn't have to be brilliant at it...

2. Yeah. Makes me wonder if Jason would've tried out if the play had been, say, Macbeth- Nadia would've got Lady Mac in the blink of an eye. Would Jason have stayed away and let her have her moment?

3. Yup.

4. Yeah... hum...

5. That most mostly you. *poke* That's because you're a Peter fanboy. Clearly, I am a Jason fangirl. That's me, mincing around the corridor singing "have a date for prom yet?"

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

I can sort of see it happening, but I still think it's the wrong angle - I think it'd be more about Jason having to be better than Peter having to be put in his place.

1. "Dance nor sing" is not a reference to acting, it's a reference to being gay. I.e. that he will not let himself be cast in/become the stereotype. It's still about image. Musicals are intrinsically gay, it's argued (hence the Musicals and Gay Culture section in Music and Gender), and even if they're not quite so tightly bound together in reality, they are in the realm of concepts. Musicals are too camp to be straight.

2. I don't know if she would. I think we're told pretty clearly that she isn't pretty enough nor thin enough to be cast in the lead for anything. If she were a shoe-in, though, I think Jason would stay away.

5. I can't help that I empathise with Peter and therefore find him oddly alluring. And that's not fair - you get to be one of the girls, but there're no other gay characters!! Means I can't slot myself into the show and say "hey! That's me! Lusting after Peter while all the girls go for Jason!". :(

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, it's not that he wants to put Peter in his place... he just can't deal with there being things he's not good at.

5. I realised that actually, in the frame of the story, I would in fact be the only Matt fangirlperson in the school. *tilts head to side* Oh well.

I've just started listening to the song "BARE". I don't think I've ever paid close attention to it before.

Having real trouble picking out whose voice is whose, though. This is aggravating.

Also, who is it that has the keys to the church's van?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Fair enough.

5. I didn't realise you were a Matt fan. What happened to Jason?

But... it's the title piece! If you look for the lyrics online, you should find them divided into each character's lines and labelled as such.

Matt has the keys to the van. "So I should steal it" is his line.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

5. 'M fangirling Jason as an audience member/ fanfic writer. He's a FABULOUS character to play with.
However, I was reflecting on this and decided that if I were sixteen and presented with this cast, I would not be prancing around fawning all over Jason, for verily, I had and still have weird taste. Also jocks are boring and at sixteen, at least, I found religiosity attractive.

I mistrust the internet lyric listings, they got quite a lot of Wedding Bells wrong... *glares*

Mkay. I have trouble differentiating between all these boy's voices, can you tell?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

I have difficulty figuring them out, too, sometimes. You aren't alone :P It just takes practice.

And yeah, I wasn't really suggesting you take them as canon, but use them as a guide. A fair amount of the lyrics I was looking at were accurate and accurately divided.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Even the *SHOW WEBSITE* gets things wrong sometimes. Unless Wedding Bells actually *is* Peter's dream?

I should ask bare_fic, and/or watch the Vassar video...

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Is Jason really competitive though, apart from with Matt? I thought he was just naturally talented at everything he tried his hand at/an overachiever because of his dad, which sparks Matt's competitive streak, which makes him compete with Matt because he threatens his superstariority and, by extension, his relationship with his dad. No one else is really a threat to his superstariority, so he doesn't have to compete with anyone else.

As for why he doesn't go for it in the first place, I think it's still a matter of having an image to uphold. Acting is for fags and girls, and if his dad found out he was acting (even the lead in Romeo and Juliet), he'd be given a stern lecture (or worse) on how to be a real man, playing sports and sleeping around/settling down with a proper girl (depending on his dad's view on women). Then there's what the rest of the school would think if they saw him acting. But being the superstar that everyone loves, he has licence to do whatever he wants and still be considered the superstar; something he wouldn't necessarily realise at first glance (possibly the actual turning point?). Plus, it's about man/woman love, so it's actually a pretty strong reiforcement for his heteroshield.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Acting is for fags and girls, and if his dad found out he was acting (even the lead in Romeo and Juliet), he'd be given a stern lecture (or worse) on how to be a real man

now that's something I hadn't thought about- even though it's in "Plain Jane". This is actually quite a brave thing for Jason to be doing. He is inching out of his comfort zone steadily... pity Peter just outstrips him so quickly.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

He's only inching out of it to expand what's acceptable, not to gain acceptance. He decides he can still retain his hot straight jock academic image despite being in Romeo and Juliet. It isn't a step towards coming out the way Peter would use it. Peter wouldn't even consciously use it as a stepping stone - he'd just naturally loosen up in that atmosphere I think.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Hum... it's not about a step toward coming out, though. Jason has more (and maybe bigger) problems than coming out. He's trapped down in other people's expectations, he doesn't actually MAKE CHOICES, he simply does what his parents expect of him.

He knows his father won't be pleased with him for acting, and he does it anyway. That's a huge step, not so much in coming out but just in learning to be his own person.