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I need one of those days. You know those days where that random person smiles at you, genuinely, and you think 'wow, maybe today isn't totally shit'. I've had only one of those days. Ever. Then again, maybe it was just because he was cute. I don't know anymore; I'm so confused.
But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.
I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.
___
Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.
Eep, I say.
But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.
I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.
___
Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.
Eep, I say.
Tags:
- 21st,
- jason,
- joe,
- wordsketch
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Peter sympathises.
(So do I, but that's a minor detail.)
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a) this was MEANT to be well written (because it is)
b) it may not be describing your current state of mind. If not, do transfer Peter's sympathy to the appropriate fictional character.
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a) it was meant to be written. 'Well written' is just a happy side effect of the author's input.
b) actually, it would be Peter's empathies. Actually, it would be Peter's _ies, where _ies are to empathies as empathies are to sympathies i.e. one step closer. Because it's technically, on some level, for himself. The original was for me, though.
If you're picking up on distance in what I'm writing, please ignore it. I sort of need to be distant from myself right now. There's no room left in my head for... stuff, and... well, frankly, I'd rather be in someone else's but that's not really an option, so I'm just trying to get out of my own.
Thanks for saying it's written well.
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rankly, I'd rather be in someone else's but that's not really an option, so I'm just trying to get out of my own
I recommend writing stuff. When I don't like my own head I go hide in Edmund's. Which is hardly a happy place, but it is awfully controlled.
Speaking of getting into people's heads, can I just take a moment to express my EXTREME EXASPERATION with Jason? He's bloody well impossible to write. Peter would be so much easier...
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Unfortunately, I can't hide in the heads of my characters, because they all feel like my own head. That's why I go music. Except... I seem not to have an abundance of happy music. Thank god for Kate Miller-Heidke though.
Is Jason so hard because he's just a big ball of inner turmoil and confusion and anything you try to write just makes him sound like a wimpy emo?
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Sorry 'bout that. *points to gmail and phone uncertainly* Or, of course, there's the Sleep And Angst Less option...
I shall have to find you some happy music. Perhaps my playlist of jigs!
Yes because of the turmoil thing, but not emo. Mostly he comes out as a bastard. Or I can't even decide what angle to approach him from. He's dominant but really unsure. He's controlling but devoted.
I also don't think he's actually gay, which might explain a good deal of the weird dualities.
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I don't want to keep you up by keeping you on gmail. And phone is bad because I'd wake someone up. Plus, I usually feel horribly stupid and mildly guilty (not to mention childish) when I get emo like this and whinge to people. Tonight not as much because I hid most of it, but... a little bit. It's easing up though. I'll be right. In fact, I'm going to have to be because I need to head off after this comment.
Jason isn't "gay", per se; he's just in love with a boy. Or, perhaps more accurately, he's just in love with boylove, I dunno. In any case, he's got a problem with the label "gay" and how everyone else will read it, not a problem with the contents of the package. I think he's quite possibly bi, or maybe just so against the label "gay" (because he clearly likes boylove) that he's willing to put out for the girls to prove the label doesn't fit him so snuggly. Girls become proof that he isn't gay, proof he can pull out in an argument or a fight; his silver bullet; plausible deniability. That or he's just hormonal and "can't help himself".
He's dominant because in his mind his wants and needs come first. But that doesn't mean he always knows what he wants for himself. He doesn't exactly seem to be in love with Peter to me; I'll grant that they're close, but he seems to be lead more by lust than love. Then again, we really don't see them come together, so it's hard to tell what their initial motivations were. But my point is that he's dominant in that he finds his sex drive more important than Peter's emotional attachment to him (I want this now and I'll get it from you whatever the cost), while he's unsure of whether he actually wants to be with Peter long-term (will I really want it tomorrow?).
Personally, I don't see devoted. Peter is devoted.
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Exactly. Only I do think Ivy's more than a beard for him... Not a deliberate one, anyway, although it's conceivable that a large slice of the attraction is 'thank god this is normal'.
Then again, we really don't see them come together, so it's hard to tell what their initial motivations were
EXACTLY. GAH. The way we have it, all we can see is him being really controlling and putting himself before Peter- but I don't think that's all there is to it. "Wedding Bells" is Jason's dream-vision, after all. And from the way Peter talks in 'Ever After', Jason was supportive and caring and devoted, once.
Also, I can see Jason being a really staunch friend.
His problem is really that, as he says himself, he gets left behind... Peter knows exactly who he is, and just has to come to terms with it. Jason has no freakin' clue, and if there's one thing that freaks Jason, it's things he doesn't understand. Suddenly not only doesn't he understand himself, he doesn't understand Peter...
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But I have just realised that Jason probably is (or was) actually in love with Peter.
Ivy: Have you ever felt this way before? [referencing her own growing emotional attachment to Jason; what could be called love]
Jason: Yeah. Once.
He's clearly talking about Jason. It's a musical, so there's no one else he could be talking about. I was going to say that the line in Peter's song to the priest "Did you know how much he loved? Did you know how much he cared?" could have just been Peter's misguided interpretation of Jason's feelings skewed by his own (both positive and negative). But yeah, not thinking that so much any more.
Perhaps someone should have told Jason that you can have the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and the boy you love who'll have dinner on the table when you get home from work.
Perhaps that'd be a good fic to write - the third dream, the hallucinatoin as he passes, in which he sees what could have been, what should have been. Perhaps that's when he relaises just how much he loves Peter, and how much the label is meaningless.
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Perhaps someone should have told Jason that you can have the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and the boy you love who'll have dinner on the table when you get home from work.
But it's Peter who wants that. It's Peter who's a) domestically inclined and b) has a long-range vision. Jason can't think beyond getting to Notre Dame next year...
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I didn't mean it 'literally', I meant it figuratively - Jason doesn't want to be gay, he wants to be normal, for no one to have reason to give him sideways glances because he's different. He wants to belong. He wants to be a good Catholic boy. To be the superstar everyone thinks he is. He has an image to uphold, and his feelings for Peter conflict with that image.
Peter wants to be Jason's housewife. Jason wants to want to have a female wife. But Jason also wants Peter.
It's all just very fucked up.
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I don't think Peter wants to be Jason's housewife. (But then, I don't like that bit of 'Epiphany' about the cooking and the female singers, firstly because it's typecasting and secondly because it's utterly irrelevant to the story and their characters.) Peter is more domesticated than Jason, but that could be because he has the ability to think ahead, whereas Jason's just getting by, day by day.
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Might I suggest we relisten to RoaL before we try to work Jason out anymore? We seem to have missed out on a couple of things...
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go on, elucidate. I've been listening to "One" and the other Jason/Ivy scenes, and poking with my poking stick.
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I'm working on a Jason character study piece at the moment... I started wondering why Jason did the turnabout and decided to audition, and then wondering why he was refusing to audition in the first place.
Possible reasons he won't audition:
1. He doesn't want to fail.
2. He wants to stay of Nadia's turf. Hard enough being the bright kid with an average sibling, must be ten times harder if said sibling is your twin.
3. Both of the above.
4. He thinks it's not properly manly.
5. All of the above.
Possible reasons he DOES:
1. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo: pure competitiveness.
2. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo and that Peter is aiming for Mercutio. Competitive plus jealousy.
3. Ivy coos at him. (But no evidence of this.)
4. He doesn't want Peter to think he's a coward.
5. I have this idea that Peter must mean more to Jason than just teh sex, and I'm thinking it could be something about the way Peter isn't constantly tied to the way other people see him. Peter's not a brilliant actor, right? Otherwise he'd have been in competition for Romeo. Also I can't see Peter *wanting* centre stage all the time. But he likes acting, so he goes at it and makes himself the best supporting character he can be. I like the idea of Jason looking at Peter and thinking "hey, maybe I can do something and not be the super star for once"... and then his natural competitive streak takes over and he has to strike out for the star role.
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ineptshieldmaid on August 24th, 2008 05:27 pm (local)
the bootleg lyric listings agree with you. and that makes MUCH more sense... hum.
I'm working on a Jason character study piece at the moment... I started wondering why Jason did the turnabout and decided to audition, and then wondering why he was refusing to audition in the first place.
Possible reasons he won't audition:
1. He doesn't want to fail.
2. He wants to stay of Nadia's turf. Hard enough being the bright kid with an average sibling, must be ten times harder if said sibling is your twin.
3. Both of the above.
4. He thinks it's not properly manly.
5. All of the above.
Possible reasons he DOES:
1. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo: pure competitiveness.
2. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo and that Peter is aiming for Mercutio. Competitive plus jealousy.
3. Ivy coos at him. (But no evidence of this.)
4. He doesn't want Peter to think he's a coward.
5. I have this idea that Peter must mean more to Jason than just teh sex, and I'm thinking it could be something about the way Peter isn't constantly tied to the way other people see him. Peter's not a brilliant actor, right? Otherwise he'd have been in competition for Romeo. Also I can't see Peter *wanting* centre stage all the time. But he likes acting, so he goes at it and makes himself the best supporting character he can be. I like the idea of Jason looking at Peter and thinking "hey, maybe I can do something and not be the super star for once"... and then his natural competitive streak takes over and he has to strike out for the star role.
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6. He doesn't like Peter being good at something he isn't. Probably doesn't consciously realise this, though. Hope not.
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oh, and I meant to add:
1 - "He doesn't want to fail" - he can't fail. He wouldn't try out unless he knew he could get it, but he knows he can do anything. He has to be able to do anything to survive in his father's eyes.
2 - fair enough. It is implied that Nadia is actually a bit of an actress, so it's understandable that Jason would let her keep her stage, especially given that Jason loves Nadia so much.
3 - if Ivy had cooed at him, we would have seen it. Therefore it didn't happen.
4 - Peter would already think him a coward then; he asked at least the year before, and possibly years before that too.
5 - Yeah, I think we were hard on Jason before (or was that just me? :P). But as for trying to emulate Peter's lack of ties and need for superstardom... I dunno. Wouldn't that mean he could handle Peter telling his own mother, even if not his?
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1- well, yeah. He doesn't do anything he's not good at. He announces "I neither dance nor sing", so obviously he thinks he isn't an actor. Or doesn't want to think of himself as one. Or whatever. I'm get a huge vibe of 'DON'T TRY NEW THING BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW IF YOU'LL BE GOOD AT IT.' But for whatever reason he decides he might be good at it, or he doesn't have to be brilliant at it...
2. Yeah. Makes me wonder if Jason would've tried out if the play had been, say, Macbeth- Nadia would've got Lady Mac in the blink of an eye. Would Jason have stayed away and let her have her moment?
3. Yup.
4. Yeah... hum...
5. That most mostly you. *poke* That's because you're a Peter fanboy. Clearly, I am a Jason fangirl. That's me, mincing around the corridor singing "have a date for prom yet?"
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1. "Dance nor sing" is not a reference to acting, it's a reference to being gay. I.e. that he will not let himself be cast in/become the stereotype. It's still about image. Musicals are intrinsically gay, it's argued (hence the Musicals and Gay Culture section in Music and Gender), and even if they're not quite so tightly bound together in reality, they are in the realm of concepts. Musicals are too camp to be straight.
2. I don't know if she would. I think we're told pretty clearly that she isn't pretty enough nor thin enough to be cast in the lead for anything. If she were a shoe-in, though, I think Jason would stay away.
5. I can't help that I empathise with Peter and therefore find him oddly alluring. And that's not fair - you get to be one of the girls, but there're no other gay characters!! Means I can't slot myself into the show and say "hey! That's me! Lusting after Peter while all the girls go for Jason!". :(
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5. I realised that actually, in the frame of the story, I would in fact be the only Matt fan
girlperson in the school. *tilts head to side* Oh well.I've just started listening to the song "BARE". I don't think I've ever paid close attention to it before.
Having real trouble picking out whose voice is whose, though. This is aggravating.
Also, who is it that has the keys to the church's van?
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5. I didn't realise you were a Matt fan. What happened to Jason?
But... it's the title piece! If you look for the lyrics online, you should find them divided into each character's lines and labelled as such.
Matt has the keys to the van. "So I should steal it" is his line.
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However, I was reflecting on this and decided that if I were sixteen and presented with this cast, I would not be prancing around fawning all over Jason, for verily, I had and still have weird taste. Also jocks are boring and at sixteen, at least, I found religiosity attractive.
I mistrust the internet lyric listings, they got quite a lot of Wedding Bells wrong... *glares*
Mkay. I have trouble differentiating between all these boy's voices, can you tell?
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And yeah, I wasn't really suggesting you take them as canon, but use them as a guide. A fair amount of the lyrics I was looking at were accurate and accurately divided.
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I should ask
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As for why he doesn't go for it in the first place, I think it's still a matter of having an image to uphold. Acting is for fags and girls, and if his dad found out he was acting (even the lead in Romeo and Juliet), he'd be given a stern lecture (or worse) on how to be a real man, playing sports and sleeping around/settling down with a proper girl (depending on his dad's view on women). Then there's what the rest of the school would think if they saw him acting. But being the superstar that everyone loves, he has licence to do whatever he wants and still be considered the superstar; something he wouldn't necessarily realise at first glance (possibly the actual turning point?). Plus, it's about man/woman love, so it's actually a pretty strong reiforcement for his heteroshield.
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now that's something I hadn't thought about- even though it's in "Plain Jane". This is actually quite a brave thing for Jason to be doing. He is inching out of his comfort zone steadily... pity Peter just outstrips him so quickly.
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He knows his father won't be pleased with him for acting, and he does it anyway. That's a huge step, not so much in coming out but just in learning to be his own person.
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Yeah, I re-wrote it to be sort of Peteresque. Pre-, During, and Post-Jason, but as a single continuous thought. Perhaps like those scenes in movies where the camera rotates around the subject and at each revolution the subject has aged, and nothing else really matters. Except not. Obviously.
I don't know if you saw the original.
I don't know if anyone did.
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So I made you an icon. *nods* Because OBVIOUSLY that is the best way to deal with angst.
Have a hug, too.
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A bold hug, even. :)
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I have my moments.
Yep, a bold hug. So much cooler than an asterisked hug.
*more vaugely sympathetic motions*
Y'know, I was just saying to K tonight that you were lovely and I was wishing I could orchestrate for lots of nice things to happen to you. Sadly, we concluded that I don't have that kind of power. So we will make do with BARE icons ;)
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I don't even know what to say to that... it sort of requires a hug all of its own.
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*gentle headbutts on your shoulder*
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*pokes you humourously*
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Afternoon!