I need...

[phrasemuffin]

I need one of those days. You know those days where that random person smiles at you, genuinely, and you think 'wow, maybe today isn't totally shit'. I've had only one of those days. Ever. Then again, maybe it was just because he was cute. I don't know anymore; I'm so confused.

But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.

I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.

___

Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.

Eep, I say.

Comments

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Is Jason really competitive though, apart from with Matt? I thought he was just naturally talented at everything he tried his hand at/an overachiever because of his dad, which sparks Matt's competitive streak, which makes him compete with Matt because he threatens his superstariority and, by extension, his relationship with his dad. No one else is really a threat to his superstariority, so he doesn't have to compete with anyone else.

As for why he doesn't go for it in the first place, I think it's still a matter of having an image to uphold. Acting is for fags and girls, and if his dad found out he was acting (even the lead in Romeo and Juliet), he'd be given a stern lecture (or worse) on how to be a real man, playing sports and sleeping around/settling down with a proper girl (depending on his dad's view on women). Then there's what the rest of the school would think if they saw him acting. But being the superstar that everyone loves, he has licence to do whatever he wants and still be considered the superstar; something he wouldn't necessarily realise at first glance (possibly the actual turning point?). Plus, it's about man/woman love, so it's actually a pretty strong reiforcement for his heteroshield.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Acting is for fags and girls, and if his dad found out he was acting (even the lead in Romeo and Juliet), he'd be given a stern lecture (or worse) on how to be a real man

now that's something I hadn't thought about- even though it's in "Plain Jane". This is actually quite a brave thing for Jason to be doing. He is inching out of his comfort zone steadily... pity Peter just outstrips him so quickly.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

He's only inching out of it to expand what's acceptable, not to gain acceptance. He decides he can still retain his hot straight jock academic image despite being in Romeo and Juliet. It isn't a step towards coming out the way Peter would use it. Peter wouldn't even consciously use it as a stepping stone - he'd just naturally loosen up in that atmosphere I think.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Hum... it's not about a step toward coming out, though. Jason has more (and maybe bigger) problems than coming out. He's trapped down in other people's expectations, he doesn't actually MAKE CHOICES, he simply does what his parents expect of him.

He knows his father won't be pleased with him for acting, and he does it anyway. That's a huge step, not so much in coming out but just in learning to be his own person.