phrasemuffin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
phrasemuffin) wrote2008-08-23 12:26 am
phrasemuffin) wrote2008-08-23 12:26 am
Entry tags:
- 21st,
- jason,
- joe,
- wordsketch
I need...
I need one of those days. You know those days where that random person smiles at you, genuinely, and you think 'wow, maybe today isn't totally shit'. I've had only one of those days. Ever. Then again, maybe it was just because he was cute. I don't know anymore; I'm so confused.
But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.
I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.
___
Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.
Eep, I say.
But I need one of those days. I'm starting to feel like I'm caving in on myself. Like I'm crumbling under the pressure of the silence weighing down on me. It's a vast expanse of emptiness, let me tell you, and it weighs a fucking tonne. I don't know how much longer I can keep playing the role of Atlas to all these secrets.
I just need one of those days. You know, those days where you rescue me? Where the words get spoken and silence lets go? 'Cause I need help. And I've got no heroes left.
___
Joe's 21st tomorrow night. Eep.
Eep, I say.
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I don't want to keep you up by keeping you on gmail. And phone is bad because I'd wake someone up. Plus, I usually feel horribly stupid and mildly guilty (not to mention childish) when I get emo like this and whinge to people. Tonight not as much because I hid most of it, but... a little bit. It's easing up though. I'll be right. In fact, I'm going to have to be because I need to head off after this comment.
Jason isn't "gay", per se; he's just in love with a boy. Or, perhaps more accurately, he's just in love with boylove, I dunno. In any case, he's got a problem with the label "gay" and how everyone else will read it, not a problem with the contents of the package. I think he's quite possibly bi, or maybe just so against the label "gay" (because he clearly likes boylove) that he's willing to put out for the girls to prove the label doesn't fit him so snuggly. Girls become proof that he isn't gay, proof he can pull out in an argument or a fight; his silver bullet; plausible deniability. That or he's just hormonal and "can't help himself".
He's dominant because in his mind his wants and needs come first. But that doesn't mean he always knows what he wants for himself. He doesn't exactly seem to be in love with Peter to me; I'll grant that they're close, but he seems to be lead more by lust than love. Then again, we really don't see them come together, so it's hard to tell what their initial motivations were. But my point is that he's dominant in that he finds his sex drive more important than Peter's emotional attachment to him (I want this now and I'll get it from you whatever the cost), while he's unsure of whether he actually wants to be with Peter long-term (will I really want it tomorrow?).
Personally, I don't see devoted. Peter is devoted.
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Exactly. Only I do think Ivy's more than a beard for him... Not a deliberate one, anyway, although it's conceivable that a large slice of the attraction is 'thank god this is normal'.
Then again, we really don't see them come together, so it's hard to tell what their initial motivations were
EXACTLY. GAH. The way we have it, all we can see is him being really controlling and putting himself before Peter- but I don't think that's all there is to it. "Wedding Bells" is Jason's dream-vision, after all. And from the way Peter talks in 'Ever After', Jason was supportive and caring and devoted, once.
Also, I can see Jason being a really staunch friend.
His problem is really that, as he says himself, he gets left behind... Peter knows exactly who he is, and just has to come to terms with it. Jason has no freakin' clue, and if there's one thing that freaks Jason, it's things he doesn't understand. Suddenly not only doesn't he understand himself, he doesn't understand Peter...
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But I have just realised that Jason probably is (or was) actually in love with Peter.
Ivy: Have you ever felt this way before? [referencing her own growing emotional attachment to Jason; what could be called love]
Jason: Yeah. Once.
He's clearly talking about Jason. It's a musical, so there's no one else he could be talking about. I was going to say that the line in Peter's song to the priest "Did you know how much he loved? Did you know how much he cared?" could have just been Peter's misguided interpretation of Jason's feelings skewed by his own (both positive and negative). But yeah, not thinking that so much any more.
Perhaps someone should have told Jason that you can have the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and the boy you love who'll have dinner on the table when you get home from work.
Perhaps that'd be a good fic to write - the third dream, the hallucinatoin as he passes, in which he sees what could have been, what should have been. Perhaps that's when he relaises just how much he loves Peter, and how much the label is meaningless.
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Perhaps someone should have told Jason that you can have the white picket fence and 2.3 kids and the boy you love who'll have dinner on the table when you get home from work.
But it's Peter who wants that. It's Peter who's a) domestically inclined and b) has a long-range vision. Jason can't think beyond getting to Notre Dame next year...
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I didn't mean it 'literally', I meant it figuratively - Jason doesn't want to be gay, he wants to be normal, for no one to have reason to give him sideways glances because he's different. He wants to belong. He wants to be a good Catholic boy. To be the superstar everyone thinks he is. He has an image to uphold, and his feelings for Peter conflict with that image.
Peter wants to be Jason's housewife. Jason wants to want to have a female wife. But Jason also wants Peter.
It's all just very fucked up.
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I don't think Peter wants to be Jason's housewife. (But then, I don't like that bit of 'Epiphany' about the cooking and the female singers, firstly because it's typecasting and secondly because it's utterly irrelevant to the story and their characters.) Peter is more domesticated than Jason, but that could be because he has the ability to think ahead, whereas Jason's just getting by, day by day.
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Might I suggest we relisten to RoaL before we try to work Jason out anymore? We seem to have missed out on a couple of things...
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go on, elucidate. I've been listening to "One" and the other Jason/Ivy scenes, and poking with my poking stick.
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I'm working on a Jason character study piece at the moment... I started wondering why Jason did the turnabout and decided to audition, and then wondering why he was refusing to audition in the first place.
Possible reasons he won't audition:
1. He doesn't want to fail.
2. He wants to stay of Nadia's turf. Hard enough being the bright kid with an average sibling, must be ten times harder if said sibling is your twin.
3. Both of the above.
4. He thinks it's not properly manly.
5. All of the above.
Possible reasons he DOES:
1. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo: pure competitiveness.
2. He finds out Matt is a shoe-in for Romeo and that Peter is aiming for Mercutio. Competitive plus jealousy.
3. Ivy coos at him. (But no evidence of this.)
4. He doesn't want Peter to think he's a coward.
5. I have this idea that Peter must mean more to Jason than just teh sex, and I'm thinking it could be something about the way Peter isn't constantly tied to the way other people see him. Peter's not a brilliant actor, right? Otherwise he'd have been in competition for Romeo. Also I can't see Peter *wanting* centre stage all the time. But he likes acting, so he goes at it and makes himself the best supporting character he can be. I like the idea of Jason looking at Peter and thinking "hey, maybe I can do something and not be the super star for once"... and then his natural competitive streak takes over and he has to strike out for the star role.
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