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Rain
It falls as always
Like any other day
Except
It’s purple today
With tiny golden stars
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
And on the leaves of trees
And the birds
They’re singing
Just as they did yesterday
However
Today they sing a requiem
With voices like chipmunks
Or children on helium
Mourning the forest
Burnt away by the rain
Even men and women,
And the children, too;
They are as ever
But
Not quite;
They have moved to concrete deserts
Where the forests used to be
Forests of wood and animals
Not concrete and brick
And they fly in steel-clad clouds
All silver-lined and golden-tailed
With engines thundering along
Their fumes making friends
In rain drops
It's been ages since I've written anything, but... I dunno, thinking about Alice in Wonderland, the concept of a nonsense poem, and a few other things (I think one of them may have been talking to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kayloulee about the Requiem concert at a point just before writing)... well, I was just sort of inspired. It started out with the intention of being a nonsense poem - purple rain with little stars in every droplet, like a thousand microcosmoses - but then it sort of grew, developed, changed.
The line:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
was originally:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the sidewalk
which was my favourite phrase in the whole thing, except that it sounded far too American - we say "footpath", not "sidewalk". The only problem with "footpath" is that it sounds too natural, too earthy track in the middle of a forest, too soft; "sidewalk" just has a cheery, out-of-the-way-ness to it that is obviously man-made, but not too heavy - it provides a nice contrast to "exploding" and sort of deadens it (no pun intended), and, as a line, "exploding on the sidewalk" provides a nice contrast to "falling from the heavens"; "falling" is rather dangerous, which is funny because it's coupled with the grace of heaven, whereas "exploding" is made rather cheery and mundane by the sidewalk. I guess "pavement" is just a compromise, being mundane yet blocky and sturdy without the cheery charm of "sidewalk".
"Concrete jungles" is also bothering me. It's a little cliche, but I haven't been able to come up with anything else quite as good, anything else with quite the same contrasty bastardisation to it.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Rare gems?
It falls as always
Like any other day
Except
It’s purple today
With tiny golden stars
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
And on the leaves of trees
And the birds
They’re singing
Just as they did yesterday
However
Today they sing a requiem
With voices like chipmunks
Or children on helium
Mourning the forest
Burnt away by the rain
Even men and women,
And the children, too;
They are as ever
But
Not quite;
They have moved to concrete deserts
Where the forests used to be
Not concrete and brick
And they fly in steel-clad clouds
All silver-lined and golden-tailed
With engines thundering along
Their fumes making friends
In rain drops
It's been ages since I've written anything, but... I dunno, thinking about Alice in Wonderland, the concept of a nonsense poem, and a few other things (I think one of them may have been talking to
kayloulee about the Requiem concert at a point just before writing)... well, I was just sort of inspired. It started out with the intention of being a nonsense poem - purple rain with little stars in every droplet, like a thousand microcosmoses - but then it sort of grew, developed, changed.The line:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
was originally:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the sidewalk
which was my favourite phrase in the whole thing, except that it sounded far too American - we say "footpath", not "sidewalk". The only problem with "footpath" is that it sounds too natural, too earthy track in the middle of a forest, too soft; "sidewalk" just has a cheery, out-of-the-way-ness to it that is obviously man-made, but not too heavy - it provides a nice contrast to "exploding" and sort of deadens it (no pun intended), and, as a line, "exploding on the sidewalk" provides a nice contrast to "falling from the heavens"; "falling" is rather dangerous, which is funny because it's coupled with the grace of heaven, whereas "exploding" is made rather cheery and mundane by the sidewalk. I guess "pavement" is just a compromise, being mundane yet blocky and sturdy without the cheery charm of "sidewalk".
"Concrete jungles" is also bothering me. It's a little cliche, but I haven't been able to come up with anything else quite as good, anything else with quite the same contrasty bastardisation to it.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Rare gems?
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From:
no subject
What about 'concrete deserts'? I like the idea of a desert where a forest used to be...
From:
no subject
You want a Captain Obvious award, or something? The line 'not concrete and brick' falls flat. Of course it's not concrete and brick, it's wood and animals, you just said so! The contrast is already there, you talked about concrete jungles and forests, you're now hitting us over the head and going "SEE! CONTRAST! I R SRIUS POET!"
It would be improved by a different word of aposition... 'beyond', 'before', or something... but unless you NEED a line there to fill in a stanza pattern (which I don't see...), I'm not sure why you need that line at all. Three lines of city/forest contrast is plenty...
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Thanks!
From:
no subject
I think the whole two lines sort of fail actually. That's what forests are. If I get rid of them, I'd then have two lines of forest, two lines of comet-like planes, and three lines of exhaust/rain linkage; I can live with that. I am thinking of changing that last bit to 'their fumes making friends | in rain drops', though.
And there is actually some sort of structure to the verses: 3 of What, a single-word (Except/However/But) about which the verse revolves/reveals the truth, and then 5 Nows. Except that the last verse has 10 lines after the reveal (if you include the 'not quite' which I shouldn't but am) which is sort of my style - set up a structure, then at the end go overboard, like a point of chaos. I think it works much better with a single, rambly, near-tangental sentence that sounds like the voice is about to hyperventilate though, so I won't mind cutting those two lines.
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no subject
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I'M PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW.
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