Rain...

[phrasemuffin]

Rain
It falls as always
Like any other day
Except
It’s purple today
With tiny golden stars
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
And on the leaves of trees

And the birds
They’re singing
Just as they did yesterday
However
Today they sing a requiem
With voices like chipmunks
Or children on helium
Mourning the forest
Burnt away by the rain

Even men and women,
And the children, too;
They are as ever
But
Not quite;
They have moved to concrete deserts
Where the forests used to be
Forests of wood and animals
Not concrete and brick
And they fly in steel-clad clouds
All silver-lined and golden-tailed
With engines thundering along
Their fumes making friends
In rain drops

It's been ages since I've written anything, but... I dunno, thinking about Alice in Wonderland, the concept of a nonsense poem, and a few other things (I think one of them may have been talking to kayloulee about the Requiem concert at a point just before writing)... well, I was just sort of inspired. It started out with the intention of being a nonsense poem - purple rain with little stars in every droplet, like a thousand microcosmoses - but then it sort of grew, developed, changed.

The line:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
was originally:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the sidewalk
which was my favourite phrase in the whole thing, except that it sounded far too American - we say "footpath", not "sidewalk". The only problem with "footpath" is that it sounds too natural, too earthy track in the middle of a forest, too soft; "sidewalk" just has a cheery, out-of-the-way-ness to it that is obviously man-made, but not too heavy - it provides a nice contrast to "exploding" and sort of deadens it (no pun intended), and, as a line, "exploding on the sidewalk" provides a nice contrast to "falling from the heavens"; "falling" is rather dangerous, which is funny because it's coupled with the grace of heaven, whereas "exploding" is made rather cheery and mundane by the sidewalk. I guess "pavement" is just a compromise, being mundane yet blocky and sturdy without the cheery charm of "sidewalk".

"Concrete jungles" is also bothering me. It's a little cliche, but I haven't been able to come up with anything else quite as good, anything else with quite the same contrasty bastardisation to it.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Rare gems?

Comments

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

concrete jungle is a lovely phrase, but far too overdone.

What about 'concrete deserts'? I like the idea of a desert where a forest used to be...

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

That is an awesome suggestion, because it's so ironic - why would you choose to replace a lush green forest with a dry hot desert? It's also rather true, in a poetic way, what with greenery being a much better heat sink than concrete, making it much hotter without said greenery.

Thanks!

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

*bows* at your service.

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

while we're at it...

They have moved to concrete jungles
Where the forests used to be
Forests of wood and animals
Not concrete and brick
And they fly in steal-clad clouds
All silver-lined and golden-tailed
With engines thundering along
The exhaust making friends
In rain drops

You want a Captain Obvious award, or something? The line 'not concrete and brick' falls flat. Of course it's not concrete and brick, it's wood and animals, you just said so! The contrast is already there, you talked about concrete jungles and forests, you're now hitting us over the head and going "SEE! CONTRAST! I R SRIUS POET!"

It would be improved by a different word of aposition... 'beyond', 'before', or something... but unless you NEED a line there to fill in a stanza pattern (which I don't see...), I'm not sure why you need that line at all. Three lines of city/forest contrast is plenty...

[highlyeccentric.livejournal.com]

ps- in case you can't tell, I only get snarky when I *like* a poem ;)

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Good to know! :P

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

I see your point there. However, it did work better before I changed the line before to have 'concrete jungles'. I can't remember exactly what I had at first, but it was something much more foresty... like industrial trees or potentially just 'concrete forest'; the 'not brick and concrete' was meant to emphasise the difference between the two. It was also meant as a sort of bitter sidenote and purposely over emphasised it, Captain Obvious style. Plus it's too much 'concrete' in not enough space.

I think the whole two lines sort of fail actually. That's what forests are. If I get rid of them, I'd then have two lines of forest, two lines of comet-like planes, and three lines of exhaust/rain linkage; I can live with that. I am thinking of changing that last bit to 'their fumes making friends | in rain drops', though.

And there is actually some sort of structure to the verses: 3 of What, a single-word (Except/However/But) about which the verse revolves/reveals the truth, and then 5 Nows. Except that the last verse has 10 lines after the reveal (if you include the 'not quite' which I shouldn't but am) which is sort of my style - set up a structure, then at the end go overboard, like a point of chaos. I think it works much better with a single, rambly, near-tangental sentence that sounds like the voice is about to hyperventilate though, so I won't mind cutting those two lines.

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

I don't have the spare time to analyze the poem as Lady Eccentric is doing, but if you like Alice in Wonderland, you need to listen to the Red Paintings: "The Streets Fell into My Window." Holy moley, that song is awesome on crack.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Um ok. I don't think I've ever heard of Red Paintings, but I'll keep an ear and an eye out for them next time I go music hunting. :)

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

Go! GO AND LISTEN TO THE AWESOME.

I'M PLAYING IT RIGHT NOW.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

:D