hurgh...

[phrasemuffin]

... in which there shall be no sexual innuendo. :(

I am weak. Clearly, there is no other explanation for it. Not weak of body, mind; weak of will. All I have to do is click a mouse button three times on the same facebook page and all will be over. Problem is that the buttons are "Add as Friend" buttons. That the friends-to-be are relatives. That they hail from the maternal bloodline. And that I've heard some of them discussing, with poison on their tongues, the vileness of faggots.

I am weak. I have already decided not to hide it once they're added, but... it's the adding that I'm having trouble with, so that minor bravery is somewhat pointless at the moment. So, clearly, there is no other explanation for it.

On the semi-plus side, though, my aunt told me last night about a friend who has a friend who has a brother. He's 21, an ambo, and hasn't had a "friend" before. Only thing is that I'm, you know, shit scared about meeting people and having to actually talk. I thought I was over that... seems not. Especially my fear of phones - I never know what to say, which is why I never randomly call people just to chat. If I want to just chat, I'll type it. There's just this sense of obligation that surrounds phone-based conversations. And that sense of obligation is spreading to the potential ambo - because my aunt has gone and made this connection on my behalf, I feel like I have to at least talk to him out of obligation to her, which means I could feel obligated to do anything else (up to and including a date - no obligation sex! that's just wrong). And that's sort of how the whole Jason thing ended up not quite ending, strictly speaking; obligation to Joe. Which, yes, is fucked up, but there you go.

On the plusser side, Kelly has a friend of a friend she wants to introduce me to who is in a similar situation to the ambo - a 22 year old electrician (or other tradey type, which equals looks and money according to Kelly, which are bonuses not requirements) from Wollongong who isn't quite out of the closet yet, even to himself she thinks. I think she said his name was Matt (there are far too many Matts, but I do like the name, and being a David I don't think I can really talk about over-used names). Kelly wants to have something at her place to celebrate the end of renovations/uni/which ever it is at the time, to which we'd both be invited amongst other people. I do already feel a little intimidated by the looks and money he supposedly sports but that's another matter, and the fact that he's not actually identifying is not a good sign, but this plan seems like far more laid-back with far less obligation than "I'll get you his number and you can have a chat" which freaks the fuck out of me and feels like an arranged date; blind, at the moment, I might add. I mean, come on, I may once again be terrified by phones, but that doesn't mean I don't have a little pride, a little dignity to maintain.

Comments

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

Ask for their email instead, perhaps, if phones are a bit much.

Man, your family sounds like they suck. Poisonous faggots indeed. I would normally recommend for you to just add them and be confrontational, but most people aren't like me. Heh. Uhm... good luck?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Mmm, I did think about that this morning as I was writing the post. There is still a sense of obligation tied to the situation though... even though I think it's really rather cool that he's an ambo... and apparently a really nice guy, but it's all fourth- or fifth-hand information, so I don't want to accept any of it as impecable, infallable truth. He could in fact be a kitten-smuggler for Peruvian bandits or a white knight supremacist. The point is I don't know him and I feel sort of like my hand is being forced.

But about the uncle that said what he said: he said it poisonously, didn't say gays are poisonous.

I actually admire your confrontational abilities, and was hoping for a "FUCK 'EM JUST GO DO IT!!!!" or something to that effect :P

Thanks B!

in no particular order

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

Well, then: FUCK 'EM JUST GO DO IT!!

I just didn't want to be all aggro- at you, given how people have been regarding my personality lately.

Oh, sorry, I misread. But, still. Poison was involved. Although, honestly, how could anyone meet you and NOT think you were one of those damn queers? I mean, really. :D

If the guys is actually "a kitten-smuggler for Peruvian bandits" that would be pretty cool.

Re: in no particular order

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Tee hee - I took it as a thinly veiled FUCM 'EM anyway. It's done... eep! (clearly, as you've just replied to the next post)

I wouldn't have taken it as aggro at me, more at the people I unfortunately share blood with.

Heh, it's cool. I actually wondered if it would be read that way when I wrote it, but couldn't be stuffed changing it. I guess it isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you, after all :P

Re my clear queerdom: given that it's been picked up over the long, long tubes of the interweb, I guess there is actually some validity to that question. But I am naturally toned-down (read: supressed) around most family.

I think I would squee if he were - he'd be the cutest little hardcore bad boy ever! I mean... ahem, totally manly. He'd have some pretty nasty scars, too, so we could totally compare!!... um... you know what I mean.

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

I know! Way to go!

"[I]t isn't paranoia if they really are out to get you". Nope.

Ah, okay. 'Cause around us guys it's pretty obvious.

...I don't think I want to know what you mean. :P

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

I actually don't get how I'm that queer-seeming. I mean, sometimes, yeah it comes out loud and proud, but it's not like I flounce around in fairy wings or pink tanktops, nor do I have a lisp or the far-too-expensive wardrobe. It's something I've always wondered about, and no one seems willing to give me a definite answer, bar one good friend who assumed I was gay by the way I walk (which I actually understand). Then again, I'm surprised any time anyone takes any sort of notice of me given that I was a shadow to be walked through up until about two and a half years ago. And I've always wonder about other people's perceptions and how they differ from my own.

Dude, I meant the scars! My hip, elbow and shoulder scars! And his kitty claw scars! Did you not get the "in which there will be no sexual innuendo" subheading? :P

[goblinpaladin.livejournal.com]

I can't quantify it, but it's there. You just... are. Iunno how but it's pretty...clear? Thing.

Oh, right. Of course.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Mmm, that seems to be the general assessment. 'It's just obvious!' Which is in no way helpful. Sigh. But I guess I can't blame anyone else if I just reek of queer.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

*Gives you another hug* Yer tough. And courageous. Some things are just hard, s'all. :)

B's right, see if you can get this guy's email instead? And keep in mind that he probably feels as weird about the whole thing as you do...

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

*accepts huggotry*

Thing is, I don't know if he even knows this is going on. It was only discussed initially last night, and he's further from the conversation than I am - it was my aunt, but it was his sister's friend's friend. So while he may feel weird about it later, he may not even want this to have happened at all. He may have his own Interest, and I'd rather not come between him and someone he Likes just because that particular grapevine hasn't extended far enough yet.

Then again, he may have put the request out there to begin with; seek and let me conquer.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

how very complicated. *looks bemused* well, good luck to you :s

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

I do think in Possibilities, though, so it could be a hell of a lot less complicated than all that. He could just be a nice guy who I'll like, maybe even Like (and not be any of the possibilities I presented B with). My main problem is really just the lack of control I have - it was done for me, not by me, so I feel... I dunno, helples? Damsellian?

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

awww, but you make such a cute Damsel :P

Well, if you do the ringing and the sussing out, (despite all the attendant horrors of phone communication) wouldn't that put you in a position of more control?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

No, as I'd have no idea what to say on the phone, hence the fearings there of. I'd therefore have no control, not only of situation, but of tongue or mouth or throat.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

bugger. :s

I'm afraid I have no really helpful advice, here...

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Email and face-to-face are the only way to go, I think, beyond confirmative smsings. Although, do you remember how awkward I was when I met you the first time in Holme Cafe? And that was after having exchanged words that would in no way lead to relationshipage nor sex!

I am a horse that is easily spooked, and rather quick to make excuses for a four-legged animal without discernable language. That is all there is to it.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Ahah, I DO remember that. I wasn't sure if you were nervous or perhaps you didn't like me :P

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

No no, it was nerves. Big nerves. With electrocutey tips that stab at times to speak.

I don't think I'll ever forget the moment when the nerves muddled my brainmouth so much that I confused Angl-Saxon with a non-language subject.

Sigh. I'm usually a lot better with girls, too.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

awww.

*gives you a hug*

S'ok, all turned out ok in the end, and I think you're adorable ;)

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the faux pas on my part (all of them through the ages, really) probably helped with that perception :P

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

See, all you need now is to find yourself a boy who appreciates adorable ineptitude, and you're SET.

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

Which is why I'm hoping Ambo, and Tradey Matt too I guess, are not white knight supremists - if they need a big strong hero type, I'm kinda screwed.

I, on the other hand, am allowed to be a white knight supremist, given that I'm not exactly white knight material myself - I am sort of damselly. Still, I'm a preferist, not a supremist.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Well, there's no predicting other people's taste... Good luck, I guess ;).

(White Knight Supremist?)

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

This is true. :)

(From the Dictionary of Random David, meaning one who seeks a protector-type, a white knight as it were, as their partner. The other thought I had was that he could be a kitty-smuggler for Peruvian bandits.)

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Well you don't want to date one of those, eight and a half times out of ten they're unstable... *has been one such herself at various times*

Kitty-smuggler we could overlook, surely?

[phrasemuffin.livejournal.com]

*srs face* It would depend on how he treated the kitties he smuggled, and what the bandits did with said kitties after said smuggling. Selling them black market to be pets to rich families is a-ok. Selling them black market to sweatshops where they'd be made to sew wallets 'til their paws are numb is not a-ok.

[ineptshieldmaid.livejournal.com]

Well, that IS an important consideration, I suppose...

[aquat1cf1sh.livejournal.com]

I agree with you so much about talking on the phone... Really, typing is so much better, and "feeling obligated" when you call someone is like, a perfect way to put it. Because it makes so much sense! I'm going to take the time to pick up the phone and call you, and bother you no matter what you're doing, and now I should definitely feel like I have something good to talk about.

Ooo, boy-pairing sounds fun, but yeah, I'd be intimidated by the good lucks and cash too... Although, while intimidating, good looks might be a good thing later on once you're comfortable with them. ^_- But yeah, I agree that if he's not even accepting it, then it might be too early... But I dunno, I've never dipped into the dating pool, so.

And lastly, good look with coming out to your family. You have a lot of courage for doing that!!!