phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (grammar crisis)
( Jun. 4th, 2008 02:10 pm)
It falls as always
Like any other day
It’s purple today
With tiny golden stars
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement
And on the leaves of trees

And the birds
They’re singing
Just as they did yesterday
Today they sing a requiem
With voices like chipmunks
Or children on helium
Mourning the forest
Burnt away by the rain

Even men and women,
And the children, too;
They are as ever
Not quite;
They have moved to concrete deserts
Where the forests used to be
Forests of wood and animals
Not concrete and brick

And they fly in steel-clad clouds
All silver-lined and golden-tailed
With engines thundering along
Their fumes making friends
In rain drops

It's been ages since I've written anything, but... I dunno, thinking about Alice in Wonderland, the concept of a nonsense poem, and a few other things (I think one of them may have been talking to [ profile] kayloulee about the Requiem concert at a point just before writing)... well, I was just sort of inspired. It started out with the intention of being a nonsense poem - purple rain with little stars in every droplet, like a thousand microcosmoses - but then it sort of grew, developed, changed.

The line:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the pavement

was originally:
Falling from the heavens
Exploding on the sidewalk

which was my favourite phrase in the whole thing, except that it sounded far too American - we say "footpath", not "sidewalk". The only problem with "footpath" is that it sounds too natural, too earthy track in the middle of a forest, too soft; "sidewalk" just has a cheery, out-of-the-way-ness to it that is obviously man-made, but not too heavy - it provides a nice contrast to "exploding" and sort of deadens it (no pun intended), and, as a line, "exploding on the sidewalk" provides a nice contrast to "falling from the heavens"; "falling" is rather dangerous, which is funny because it's coupled with the grace of heaven, whereas "exploding" is made rather cheery and mundane by the sidewalk. I guess "pavement" is just a compromise, being mundane yet blocky and sturdy without the cheery charm of "sidewalk".

"Concrete jungles" is also bothering me. It's a little cliche, but I haven't been able to come up with anything else quite as good, anything else with quite the same contrasty bastardisation to it.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Rare gems?


phrasemuffin: Bare: A Pop Opera (Default)

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